A recent psychological study discovered some rather startling news; girl talk sessions, sometimes lasting hours, actually reinforce stress and problematic feelings, rather than lessen or eliminate them. The more discussion there is about their respective problems, the more anxious or depressed they become. Too much talk is too much of a good thing, apparently. When a woman gets together with her friends, the game is on.

Well now, isn’t that interesting? Something men have believed for thousands of years is finally backed by compelling evidence. But how did we know? Do we have access to some untapped prescience? Of course not. We observed. We see our wives and girlfriends leave the house for brunch with their girls, seemingly happy with life and all its trappings. They return several hours later with a furrowed brow, a combative sideways lean to their stance and a list of demands a seasoned terrorist negotiator would baulk, “They’ll never agree to that!”

“What happened to the guy I met years ago?” is the question commonly bandied about nowadays. I think we’re barking up the wrong tree, here. What we should be asking is what happened to the lass that went for a bloody margarita?

There’s a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate, we all know this. Men tend to remain taciturn in order to sort through their problems alone and arrive at a solution. We only ask for help when we’re stumped; women tend to vocalize theirs and use the village to aid their quest, even before considering the problem internally for any substantial period. We can’t change each other. We can, however, learn to respect our significant other’s differences and try not to belittle and chastise them for being, literally, who they are. Men aren’t necessarily out of touch with their feelings; they communicate differently. Women aren’t necessarily verbose gasbags that talk too much yet say nothing; they communicate differently.

Sometimes closeted discussion can be a bad thing. There is a phenomenon known as groupthink, where bad decisions are made by cohesive groups who ignore outside resources in their decision-making; good examples are the 1986 Challenger disaster, the 1961 Bay of Pigs debacle, and apparently last Friday’s Library Fundraising Luncheon with Sue, Jo and Belinda. It’s also apparently how camels were invented and unsuspecting boyfriends get dumped.

Or at the very least, put to work around the house to make up for the crimes they didn‘t commit.

So instead of taking everything one’s girlfriends says to heart, perhaps it’s best if the communal opinion is perused with a pinch of salt. Ultimately, the only communication that really matters is that between the two halves of a couple. If you have problems talking about the way you truly feel, work on that with each other; not with a bunch of friends that have no idea of the intricacies and particulars of your situation.

Here’s a few tips to help you land a cool dude, and if you’ve already got one, how to eliminate the stress from a few situations in order to help keep him.

1. Pretend to Understand the Plot

If you actually watched the movie/TV show instead of simultaneously talking to your mum on the ‘phone, painting your toenails an unnatural colour and slurping up some weird-smelling, Greek, lentil, yogurt-looking slop you got from the health food shop, you’d be able to understand what the hell’s going on.

Now, we understand girls are multi-taskers and asking you to focus on one thing is like asking Jesus to juggle marbles, but the whole purpose of this entertainment malarkey is to entertain, hence its name. By assigning it to a low-priority peg on your concurrent activity board the senses you’ve assigned to other tasks are missing a cacophony of nuance, which you seem to have absolutely no problem interrupting the programme to ask me about while I’m trying to watch the damn thing. Thus I miss vital dialogue myself during my hurried explanation, which perpetuates the situation until eventually there‘s absolutely no point in either of us watching it in the first place.

So feel free to go about your gaggle of activities, but please pretend to understand the plot and stop pestering us with inane questions about the blatantly obvious.

2. Wear High Heels. All the Time

High heels are magic because they turn cottage cheese into eye candy. I’m not talking about those platform-soled moonboot-looking things, either. I’m talking about proper old-fashioned stiletto heels at least five inches tall. Shoes that scream sex. We know they’re uncomfortable; we don’t care. You can take them off and wear your fuzzy bumble bee slippers as much as you want while we’re asleep or engaging in our own stress relief by being out on the piss with the lads.

3. Stop Burping and Farting in Front of Us

A good rule of thumb here is to ask yourself; What Would a Stripper Do? This rule can apply to all sorts of behaviours, not just audible gastro-intestinal emissions. If you are unfamiliar with the behaviour of strippers as a reference point, I recommend you attend one of the many stress relief strip clubs dotted around the planet. Take a date. He will appreciate it.

4. Open Your Own Car Door

Seriously, how lazy can you get? Dumb tradition be damned. Anyone that expects another human being to slavishly caper around an automobile in order to facilitate Her Majesty’s entry and egress needs to lower their expectations to a level that doesn’t pre-empt disappointment. No wonder women cry at the movies they actually do pay attention to.

Okay, how much damage has she done to the bloody car this time? Is the first thought that screams across my beleaguered brain. But her car is okay, she hasn’t been shopping and her mother’s arriving for a visit next month. So what the hell is going on here? My mind races. Is this some kind of trick? My eyes narrow behind the newspaper, not reading a word. She’s up to something, but I don’t let on that I’m wise to her wiles. Hang on a minute! Is a musical theater show coming to town?!

I make a non-committal grunt and scrabble to the entertainment section in a raw panic, though on the surface I appear millpond still. Over the years I’ve mastered this little trick of outward ice and inward fire. It’s a survival technique men have evolved to navigate the miasma of relationship bliss. A bead of sweat rolls unbidden from my armpit as I achieve the appropriate page. I find no show tunes on my immediate horizon. The relief is so palpable I have to restrain myself from sobbing a little cry of joy. This respite doesn’t last long, however, as another possibility dawns on me:

Maybe she wants to go for a walk?! Quickly, my thoughts gather and excuses begin to flip before my mind’s eye like flash cards in a procrastinated cramming session.

“It’s just that, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little short with me lately, and you’re a lot easier to talk to after you’ve blown some stuff up.”

I smell treachery; she’s actually making sense.

But I also know this – she didn’t come up with that perceptive nugget of information by herself. I decide she’s been talking to her friends and one of them has mentioned this phenomenon occurring with her own significant other. I make a mental note to buy Geoff a beer next time I see him. I don’t know how he pulled it off but congratulations are in order. Nazi zombies, here comes death!

Video games are often maligned as being a complete waste of time and effort, usually by those ignorant of the benefits. Benefits, you say?! Yes, benefits. Video games hone hand/eye co-ordination, manual dexterity, reaction times and visuo-spatial awareness. Problem-solving is an endemic part of the storyline arc of most games. Online, additional factors such as strategic thinking and co-operative participation become paramount. A veritable mountain of scientific evidence backs these claims, not least among which is their application as a noted stress reducer.

Several years ago there was a rash of articles making the rounds in newspapers and magazines about US Marines in combat zones playing Halo on their downtime to relieve stress, apparently to great effect. Games have a much higher immersion quality than movies, so much so that for the brief period you are playing, you forget about all those other things contributing to your stress level. It’s a little therapeutic timeout for your mind, as well as a mental workout.

“Well, darling, if it’s good enough for the Marines…”

photo courtesy of cloneofsnake

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