A recent psychological study discovered some rather startling news; girl talk sessions, sometimes lasting hours, actually reinforce stress and problematic feelings, rather than lessen or eliminate them. The more discussion there is about their respective problems, the more anxious or depressed they become. Too much talk is too much of a good thing, apparently. When a woman gets together with her friends, the game is on.

Well now, isn’t that interesting? Something men have believed for thousands of years is finally backed by compelling evidence. But how did we know? Do we have access to some untapped prescience? Of course not. We observed. We see our wives and girlfriends leave the house for brunch with their girls, seemingly happy with life and all its trappings. They return several hours later with a furrowed brow, a combative sideways lean to their stance and a list of demands a seasoned terrorist negotiator would baulk, “They’ll never agree to that!”

“What happened to the guy I met years ago?” is the question commonly bandied about nowadays. I think we’re barking up the wrong tree, here. What we should be asking is what happened to the lass that went for a bloody margarita?

There’s a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate, we all know this. Men tend to remain taciturn in order to sort through their problems alone and arrive at a solution. We only ask for help when we’re stumped; women tend to vocalize theirs and use the village to aid their quest, even before considering the problem internally for any substantial period. We can’t change each other. We can, however, learn to respect our significant other’s differences and try not to belittle and chastise them for being, literally, who they are. Men aren’t necessarily out of touch with their feelings; they communicate differently. Women aren’t necessarily verbose gasbags that talk too much yet say nothing; they communicate differently.

Sometimes closeted discussion can be a bad thing. There is a phenomenon known as groupthink, where bad decisions are made by cohesive groups who ignore outside resources in their decision-making; good examples are the 1986 Challenger disaster, the 1961 Bay of Pigs debacle, and apparently last Friday’s Library Fundraising Luncheon with Sue, Jo and Belinda. It’s also apparently how camels were invented and unsuspecting boyfriends get dumped.

Or at the very least, put to work around the house to make up for the crimes they didn‘t commit.

So instead of taking everything one’s girlfriends says to heart, perhaps it’s best if the communal opinion is perused with a pinch of salt. Ultimately, the only communication that really matters is that between the two halves of a couple. If you have problems talking about the way you truly feel, work on that with each other; not with a bunch of friends that have no idea of the intricacies and particulars of your situation.

Here’s a few tips to help you land a cool dude, and if you’ve already got one, how to eliminate the stress from a few situations in order to help keep him.

1. Pretend to Understand the Plot

If you actually watched the movie/TV show instead of simultaneously talking to your mum on the ‘phone, painting your toenails an unnatural colour and slurping up some weird-smelling, Greek, lentil, yogurt-looking slop you got from the health food shop, you’d be able to understand what the hell’s going on.

Now, we understand girls are multi-taskers and asking you to focus on one thing is like asking Jesus to juggle marbles, but the whole purpose of this entertainment malarkey is to entertain, hence its name. By assigning it to a low-priority peg on your concurrent activity board the senses you’ve assigned to other tasks are missing a cacophony of nuance, which you seem to have absolutely no problem interrupting the programme to ask me about while I’m trying to watch the damn thing. Thus I miss vital dialogue myself during my hurried explanation, which perpetuates the situation until eventually there‘s absolutely no point in either of us watching it in the first place.

So feel free to go about your gaggle of activities, but please pretend to understand the plot and stop pestering us with inane questions about the blatantly obvious.

2. Wear High Heels. All the Time

High heels are magic because they turn cottage cheese into eye candy. I’m not talking about those platform-soled moonboot-looking things, either. I’m talking about proper old-fashioned stiletto heels at least five inches tall. Shoes that scream sex. We know they’re uncomfortable; we don’t care. You can take them off and wear your fuzzy bumble bee slippers as much as you want while we’re asleep or engaging in our own stress relief by being out on the piss with the lads.

3. Stop Burping and Farting in Front of Us

A good rule of thumb here is to ask yourself; What Would a Stripper Do? This rule can apply to all sorts of behaviours, not just audible gastro-intestinal emissions. If you are unfamiliar with the behaviour of strippers as a reference point, I recommend you attend one of the many stress relief strip clubs dotted around the planet. Take a date. He will appreciate it.

4. Open Your Own Car Door

Seriously, how lazy can you get? Dumb tradition be damned. Anyone that expects another human being to slavishly caper around an automobile in order to facilitate Her Majesty’s entry and egress needs to lower their expectations to a level that doesn’t pre-empt disappointment. No wonder women cry at the movies they actually do pay attention to.

In relationships it’s often easy to forget about your partner when you’re balancing looking after your kids, home, work, and social life (or lack of it). The first one that arrives on the back burner is always the one that’s closest to you, because you’re allowed to take your partner for granted right?

Of course not. But this is something we often forget. So I’ve decided to give you a couple of easy fixes to two of the most common stressful marital problems. You might be surprised how common these are…

Complaining to Your Friends and Family

Never, ever, air your dirty laundry in front of close friends and family. A little venting to friends may be okay as a stress relief, but family? Never. Your agitation with your loved one is invariably temporary, but family, especially parents, never forget, and the little bitchfest you pulled off in front of them will stay in their psyche forever, probably leading to severe familial problems down the road.

You want your spouse to have a great relationship with your parents? Keep them in the dark. As far as they are concerned, your relationship is great, even if it isn’t. In addition, too much complaining drives your focus away from where it should be; pondering solutions. Portraying yourself as the victim is ultimately self-defeating.

If your friends start dishing the dirt on their own partners, sympathy is the ideal response. Joining in not only makes one look shrewish, it fosters a lessened image of your spouse in your own mind. Instead of airing grievances while everyone else is mouthing off; make the effort to sing his or her praises.

Mutual compliments not only make you both feel good, it strengthens the marriage unit. It’s difficult to be vexed when you’re being admired, and when other people perceive you as having a good marriage, it tends to nurture that ideal.

To Argue or Not to Argue

We’ve all heard the adage pick your battles, and while wise words, it’s best not to suffer in silence, as that builds stress and resentment. A better idea is to bite your tongue, stifle your friction-building knee-jerk retort and instead consider a framed response after some deliberation. Think about how to broach the subject without arguing; present the situation as a problem for you both to solve together. And save that conversation for when you’re both relaxed and playful, rather than when your partner has, for example, just got home from work.

If you want to make a change in your partner’s behaviour, employ a little behaviourism. Use only positive reinforcement; reward pleasing actions with a thankyou or a compliment. Try not to admonish displeasing behaviour, as that’s another resentment builder. (Yes, human beings really are this simple.)

In conclusion, in relationships you get far further with a carrot than you do with a stick. (I am, of course, talking figuratively.)

Okay, how much damage has she done to the bloody car this time? Is the first thought that screams across my beleaguered brain. But her car is okay, she hasn’t been shopping and her mother’s arriving for a visit next month. So what the hell is going on here? My mind races. Is this some kind of trick? My eyes narrow behind the newspaper, not reading a word. She’s up to something, but I don’t let on that I’m wise to her wiles. Hang on a minute! Is a musical theater show coming to town?!

I make a non-committal grunt and scrabble to the entertainment section in a raw panic, though on the surface I appear millpond still. Over the years I’ve mastered this little trick of outward ice and inward fire. It’s a survival technique men have evolved to navigate the miasma of relationship bliss. A bead of sweat rolls unbidden from my armpit as I achieve the appropriate page. I find no show tunes on my immediate horizon. The relief is so palpable I have to restrain myself from sobbing a little cry of joy. This respite doesn’t last long, however, as another possibility dawns on me:

Maybe she wants to go for a walk?! Quickly, my thoughts gather and excuses begin to flip before my mind’s eye like flash cards in a procrastinated cramming session.

“It’s just that, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little short with me lately, and you’re a lot easier to talk to after you’ve blown some stuff up.”

I smell treachery; she’s actually making sense.

But I also know this – she didn’t come up with that perceptive nugget of information by herself. I decide she’s been talking to her friends and one of them has mentioned this phenomenon occurring with her own significant other. I make a mental note to buy Geoff a beer next time I see him. I don’t know how he pulled it off but congratulations are in order. Nazi zombies, here comes death!

Video games are often maligned as being a complete waste of time and effort, usually by those ignorant of the benefits. Benefits, you say?! Yes, benefits. Video games hone hand/eye co-ordination, manual dexterity, reaction times and visuo-spatial awareness. Problem-solving is an endemic part of the storyline arc of most games. Online, additional factors such as strategic thinking and co-operative participation become paramount. A veritable mountain of scientific evidence backs these claims, not least among which is their application as a noted stress reducer.

Several years ago there was a rash of articles making the rounds in newspapers and magazines about US Marines in combat zones playing Halo on their downtime to relieve stress, apparently to great effect. Games have a much higher immersion quality than movies, so much so that for the brief period you are playing, you forget about all those other things contributing to your stress level. It’s a little therapeutic timeout for your mind, as well as a mental workout.

“Well, darling, if it’s good enough for the Marines…”

photo courtesy of cloneofsnake

Halo: Evolutions: Essential Tales of the Halo Universe (Paperback)

Tomb Raider: Underworld (Video Game)

Avatar (Video Game)

Are you where you want to be in your life? Have the dreams of youth been side tracked? Do you always feel like you are just trying to survive?  There must be a better way, is something you probably say to yourself frequently. Did you know that making a personal development plan can help you achieve your goals and put you in control of your life?

Simply put, a personal development plan is a map you develop that states the goals you have in your life and what you will do to attain these goals. Think of a personal development plan this way, if you were going to travel to a destination you had never visited before, would you need directions? Would the directions have a starting point and an ending point? Yes, of course they would. If you did not have a starting point and an ending point, you would wander aimlessly looking for your destination. It is the same in life. We must have goals; we must have a purpose, a destiny.

To make a personal development plan you will need to take the time to do some “soul searching.”  You want to really hone in on what you want changed in your life so it can be as specific as possible. Here are steps to use in developing a personal development plan:

# 1 – Don’t procrastinate.

If you want to make a personal development plan, then start to work on it immediately. One way to prevent procrastination is to break it down into small chunks. For example, take ½ hour and think about your goals for your life both personal goals and professional goals. Time yourself and stay focused. If you have trouble focusing for ½ an hour, that’s o.k., just break it down into a time that you can stay completely focused, if that is only 15 minutes, then work with that. The point here is to start somewhere. If you do this exercise and still feel there is more information you need, then take a break and try the exercise again.

# 2 – Personal Development Ideas

A great way to come up with ideas to enhance your personal development plan is to ask a trusted friend or advisor. Often those around us can make us think of things in a new light. For example, perhaps you really have a gift for teaching, but it’s never occurred to you, someone else may point that out to you.

# 3 – Don’t give up

As you start writing your personal development plan you may want to begin with one or two things. If you are trying to change multiple things about your life, this will become overwhelming and you will most likely want to give up. Keep it simple and specific.  For example:

• What do I want to change: Organize my home, it is too cluttered
• What will be the result of this change: Items will be easier to find. House will be easier to clean. This will help my overall focus because I won’t be distracted by a cluttered house.
• How do I get there: Focus on one room at a time. Sort items into “keep”, “store”, “discard”. Set specific times in my calendar to do this; do not leave it up to when I get around to it.
• Timeline: I will clean the upstairs linen closet on Saturday. I will get up 1 hour earlier to get a good start in case something unexpected happens.

# 4 – Believe

Believe that you can do this. While writing your personal development plan you should make statements that begin with: “I will…” “I am….” “by the end of March I will….” These positive statements will help you to believe in these steps you are taking. Often a personal development plan is thwarted by your own unbelief. Believe that you can make these changes in your life. This belief and positive statements will help you attain your new goals.

Personal development plans are of paramount importance for anyone who feels that life is slipping by and they are not being fulfilled. Beginning and implementing a personal development plan will give you focus and change your life around.

Managing Your Competencies: Personal Development Plan (Paperback)

How to Produce Personal Development Plans (Loose Leaf)

Personal Development for Smart People: The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth (Hardcover)